Squishy, Complicated Feelings

Squishy, Complicated Feelings

I was going to make a big announcement today. It's super exciting, and it's been in the works for literally months. It brings me joy and I know it will bring delight to so many others, too.

But first, let's acknowledge the elephant in the room: things are really messed up right now. I often say that I love change - as long as I'm the one doing it. I don't do well when change is forced upon me, even if it's the right thing to do; even if it's the change I would have chosen for myself, given the opportunity.

And it's leaving me with quite a complexity of emotions.

Despite personally being healthy right now, I'm worried I might get sick. I have friends who are already sick, and I have family members who are high risk. Maybe you're in one of those boats, too.

Despite being an introvert, I miss in-person interactions with my friends. And yet I also know that staying home is the best thing I can do for my friends, family, and everyone on the frontlines who are under-resourced and beyond tired.

Despite being a technologist, I'm finding it increasingly difficult to rely on technology to fill in the gaps for me. This weekend, a software bug blocked me from participating in an event that I'd been looking forward to for days. When technology is your only window to the world, it's a massive letdown to learn that window can't be opened right now. Normally I'd shrug my shoulders and do something else, but this time I got anxious and panicked.

As a scientifically trained engineer, I understand the charts, the graphs, and the numbers. We must stay home if we can, to support those who can't stay home, even if they wanted to. We must do our part to reduce the impact of this catastrophic virus that we can't see.

It's okay to be scared. It's okay to mourn the loss of contact with your loved ones, the cancellation or postponement of the events that you've planned, and the freedom of travel that you're normally used to. It's okay to be angry at the decision-makers who waited too long and are now in reaction-mode instead of prevention-mode.

And it's okay to still be excited about the things to come.

Despite the distress and fear in this post, I am still pumped and excited about the news that I've been wanting to share with you for a while now.

So I'm going to focus on finding peace in a news cycle that is not very peaceful. And I'll make my big announcement next week.

We've got this, friends. Squishy, contradictory feelings and all ❤️

Sending words of hope and love from my little corner of the internet to yours,

About the banner photo: it was taken last Friday, on a quiet fire trail not far from my home in California. I'm incredibly privileged to have access to such beautiful surroundings that can keep me 6ft/2m away from anyone I don't already live with. Incredible thanks to the generations of the Ohlone and Chochenyo people for their stewardship of this magnificent space.

This post is part of a series called 2020: The Year of the Pants. Catch all of the posts via the YOTP tag.